she's baaaccccckkkk

So I'm back. I had been so completely submerged in school work I could hardly breathe. It was stressful. It still isn't over but at least I have finally gotten a chance to exhale. Ahhhh. Yes I needed it.

I decided that I'm gonna stay at school in Philly. It isn't worth the trouble to transfer and lose credits and sacrfice my relationship with mom dukes. Now I'm just gonna stick it out in this shithole. I still have no clue what I'm gonna do with my life which is always great when you have two years left of school right? Law school is beginning to seem a daunting prospect. Money, money, money. I'd be on my own in the world with no money. $40000 a year tuition. Books to buy. Clothes to buy (yes I need it. lol) Food to buy. All these expenses that are just going to continue to pile up. Ughhhh. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Then actually being a lawyer and working like a madwoman. 50, 60 hours a week. Ugghhhh. I don't know if I can do it. *sigh* Now back to the drawing board. Maybe with this new job at that I got at this consulting firm on wall street I can get some ideas or inspiration or something this summer. Who knows, who cares. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I guess it'll come to me sooner or later.

You know what I also realized? I've been holding back too much on this blog. I started this because I needed an outlet. Its time for me to start using it as such.

sick days

i have been feeling sick since sunday. but it all came to a head this morning. i woke up with swollen glands, body aches, a fever, and other wonderful symptoms. :/. the good thing about it was that i was able to reschedule a speech that i was due to present today. yes! i was very excited because i was definitely not as ready as i could be.

i'm going home this weekend. my desire to escape is increasing. its depressing me. life seems to be turning upside down and sometimes it seems like i have nothing to look forward to. thankfully, the familia is there to rescue me and i shall leave on thursday and have an loooonnggg weekend minus the annoying roommates. maybe i could practice driving while im up there. i have had my permit for nearly two years with no license. yes, it sucks to be me. getting my license will certainly lift my spirits.

btw. i was irritated today. as i was walking to one of my classes this morning, this couple who had to be in their 30s were walking with their young son. they decided to all hold hands (which would have been cute under normal circumstances) and walk towards me. they did not change directions to avoid me. i know they must have saw me first because i was in my world until they were nearly right in front of me. they just continued to walk towards me linked together as if they were the owners of the narrow sidewalk and i was supposed to step off the curb to let the royal friggin family pass. yep. the jerks! the kid was innocent but their parents were meanies. couldn't they see that i was near death? (ok. thats an exaggeration but u get my point)

besos.

sucky singleness

i gotta get outta here. i keep having these weird dreams regarding my current friends. often times they involve me nearly dying as a result of one of them. scarrrryyyy. i jus need to escape get a hold of my life and start over. yep...sounds like a plan. if only it were that simple. *sigh*

so i'm single now. its kinda awkward. i guess with the unraveling of every other part of my life i'm kinda wondering if its the greatest time to be single. well i don't necessarily want a relationship rather a companion, a friend, a buddy to hang out with to soften the blow of feeling alone in some other ways. now i have an ex-boyfriend, mr. maxima, who from a distance is ok. he's the one whom i have the most phone convos with but he's also the one who 8 months ago, broke my heart into a million pieces. so i've decided i need something new. but i've also realized that single sucks. talking to guys in order to see some sort of potential is the most tedious, irritating experience. ughhhhh. one of my prospects was this IDIOT and me out of sheer boredom and possibly subconscious desperation decided that regardless of him completely not being my type (lacking in the intelligence department, disgustingly conceited, and just blatantly ignorant), continued to have a conversation with him and even explored the possibility of hanging out and seeing where it would go. why? why? why? needless to say it ended badly and as quickly as it began. so i am back at square one. yep. it's great.

8am classes

i've had early morning classes for four semesters now. it is at 8 am when i've seen my peers behave the weirdest. lol. never mind those countless individuals who are falling asleep on themselves in all types of awkward positions that cause them to bang their heads violently, drool limitlessly, or snore loudly. those are a given. there are the other weirdos. the ones who feel like its ok to pick their noses because they think everyone else is either too tired or too bored to be paying them any mind (believe me i am watching). then there are the ones who decide to play with every item that they carry with them to class probably in hopes of distracting them from the fact that they are up at 8 am in a class that they more than likely have zero interest in. these are the ones that first tap their pens on the desk. at first without purpose but then coming to the realization that they can make beats out of it and annoy the crap out of me. then when this becomes boring they decide to ruffle aimlessly through all their papers. organizing and reorganizing unnecessarily. then they pick up their camera phones and takes pictures of themselves looking miserable (no but i'm so serious). then they play with their graphing calculators punching random numbers and problems as if that will help to distract them. i dont think i need to go on anymore about the fidgeters. it just gets worse.

then last but not least, there are the starers. silent. lost in their own thoughts. watching their peers and everything else in the room in sheer amazement as if every movement is the most interesting thing in the world. this is the category under which i fall most times (yes i've had those other moments. hehe). this particular morning in my english class, i was the object of one of these "starers." and it bothered me. it really bothered me. the girl from a few rows behind me across the room just continued to stare at me. it was one of those stares that makes you uncomfortable. you know when you look back at the starer and then they are supposed to look away but they don't? yeah, it was one of those. i wanted her to say something which was impossible being that we were in the middle of class. so what did i do? i stared back. i imagined her and i had an unspoken conversation that went sort of like this:

Me: Hi. I'm T
Her: Hi. I'm Starer Girl
Me: Why are you staring at me?
Her: Because I have nothing better to do and you seem like the most interesting character in the room right now.
Me: Yeah, I know but you're being just a tad weird dont you think?
Her: No.
*awkward silence*
Me: I stare at people too.
Her: That's good to know.
Me: I don't like when people do it to me though.
Her: Oh.
*more awkward silence*

Then I turn around and that's the end of our staring contest. This was the highlight of my morning. How was your day?

another day...

okey dokey. i'm very excited because my professor gave me an extension on my paper. i have had a lot going on and i just couldn't seem to focus on gathering my thoughts enough to writing a paper.

i spent the day working on a group project for accounting with one of my friends and group members. that wasn't fun but i'm glad to be working with a friend so we could laugh and clown instead of being serious. when i got back to my room, i napped and woke up and watched america's next top model. tyra banks really irritates me. its been nine seasons and its about time to hang it up. the girls are becoming less and less humble and the show is becoming repetitive. to win this competition is not as meaningful as it used to be and its just not worth watching anymore.

anyhoo, back to real life and getting some work done. besos

burning eyeballs

....maybe i should do something productive. something that involves seeing the light of day for reasons besides answering my rumbling tummy. lol. nope i think not. i've had a rough couple of weeks dammit. as a college student with an intense workload sometimes i need a break. a break that invloves tv, reading blogs, meaningless internet searches, and more tv. lol.

....i've decided that i am going to transfer. i'm sick and tired of this miserable city. i hate it. maybe it works for other ppl but it sure does not work for me. i am unhappy and have been unhappy here for the past two years. when i was in high school, out of laziness i didn't take my college search as seriously as i should have. i had no idea what to look for and didn't feel like being bothered with finding out. so i just typed in my desired major (which was public relations at the time) and clicked search. whatever popped up was what i went with as long as it wasn't too far. the only school that I had given much thought was Syracuse. that's where i wanted to go my entire high school career. when I got accepted (but not into the program i wanted), i realized that the brutal cold and relentless snow that upstate New York has to offer me was not worth the stress. so I went with a seemingly good school in stinky dinky Philadelphia not knowing what I was getting myself into. the worst part about it was that Mommy Dearest did not want me to go there. she was definitely not in favor of any urban school being that she is a country lover herself. i fought hard to go to this school and it turned out for naught. i hate it here. philadelphia is nothing like new york city which i thought before i actually came here. plus my school kicks upperclassmen off campus and i have to go look for an apartment for next year. am i ready for that???? NO!!!!!! sooooo....i'm ready to get out before its too late. now to start my search. *sigh*

...anyhoo. i have to write a paper (on Marx and Freud). study for a macroeconomics test AND an write an issues inalysis for my public speaking course. *sigh* real life is screaming for some attention but i'm fighting it. i am. lol. i can't believe i have 5 more years of this crap. (i'm going to law school). it just seems never ending.

new beginnings

So now I'm ready to talk. Its been enough time. I've recuperated and reflected and sharing my story is a necessity. I'll try not to go into too much details though. I had a bad experience in Jamaica. A really really bad experience. One that resulted in the loss of a seemingly good friend and an increase in debt. *sigh*

Freshman year, I met a group of friends that I had grown extremely close to. A circle had been created and since then members of which have came and gone according to my feelings and experiences with them. One of the girls I became really close to after one of my falling-outs with another girl who I'll call Judge Judy (or Judy for short), was with another girl I shall call Ms. Prissy. I fell in love with Ms. Prissy's seemingly similar interests and the depe intellectual conversations I couldn't have with some of my other girlfriends. Anyway, spring break of Freshman year was spent at home dwelling on the misery of my on-again, off-again relationship with then boyfriend Mr. Maxima. Upon my return to school, I saw that alot of my acquaintances spent their spring break in exciting places underneath the sun. It was then I decided that I'm not going to spend my next spring break in the house. It was time for me to plan my getaway. When I brought the idea to my circle of girlfriends, Prissy was overly eager to suggest Jamaica as our destination and her "vacation home" as our place to stay. When offered that as opposed to a expensive hotel my friends jumped at the offer. I fell into the hype against my better judgment. It was putting money back into my pocket being that I didn't have to pay for a pricey hotel. Even though growing up no matter how much money we had, my mother always made us stay in hotels which resulted in my dislike for staying at strange houses, the idea of saving money on my tight college budget was much more appealing. Plus, she came from a somewhat well-to-do family with a large house in Long Island so I figured, she must have a nice house down there.

In the months leading up to the purchase of the plane tickets, not once did she ever describe the conditions of the area that she lived in. Not once did she describe her house in great detail. I trusted her judgment. After all, she was my close friend. How could I question her? I saved $400 from my great summer job at an insurance firm in the city in order to buy my ticket. The ball was rolling. I was too excited and no one could influence me otherwise. In November, I bought my non-refundable ticket and there was no turning back. My roomie Ms. Chocolate and her best friend Ms. Bonnie were coming along too and we bought our tickets together. It was an exciting time that cost a lot of money. I had to obtain my passport, buy some new clothes (being the fashion lover I am.lol), get my hair done and all that good stuff.

In the days leading up to our departure, Prissy decided to give us a little information about her house that she never mentioned before. She says, "Guys, just so you know, I have no hot water. I mean the water is not cold but its not hot either. But don't worry it'll be fine 'cuz its gonna be crazy hot down there." In my head I was thinking, why didn't she tell me this before? I almost started to protest but then I decided it'll be fine since its hot and it can't be that bad.

Our flight was at 10:30 am but we had to take an amtrak train to bring us to the airport. The train was at 5:15 in the morning. We didn't get any sleep. With our bags packed, we headed over to Prissy's house to celebrate our departure and Judy's (who is one of Prissy's roomates) birthday. There was alcohol involved and I got a little tipsy but Chocolate got crazy drunk. This resulted in the loss of her wallet which was not discovered until our trip to the amtrak station. She never ended up finiding her wallet but she left me and Bonnie to travel to the airport ourselves while she went to search for it. She managed to make the plane after a stressful panic filled process which involved the flight attendants holding the plane for her. We were already off to a bad start.

Once the plane touched down in Jamaica. We were tired, hungry, and miserable and wanted nothing more but to lay down and get some food. Instead we were forced to wait in the airport for 3 hours for Prissy's brother to pick us up. Unbeknownst to us, he took it upon himself to not show up until Prissy's plane landed which wasn't until 3 hours after we arrived (She flew separately because her father works for some airline). I was scared and angry being in anothr country and not knowing what to do but when they arrived I held my tongue; Prissy was my friend and I didn't want to be disrespectful. The next few days was something out of nightmare. There were gigantic cockroaches, little baby ones crawling in the bed, a field mouse crawling in my bed, no hot water or water pressure, family and friends staring at us as if we were aliens from another planet, and worst of all being scammed out of money by the family of a friend who I put my trust in. It was nothing we expected. Even the tourist areas appeared lackluster and rundown; nothing like the commercials. We decided to come back early. Mommy dearest came and saved the day and paid for a ticket back home. But of course we couldn't leave without a bang. The day we were to leave Prissy's brother, who greatly contributed to our misery with his scams and other antics, decided to overcharge us for taking us to the airport. Our flight was at 5 and at 2:30 he took it upon himself to fight us and not drive us anywhere unless he got the money he demanded which was almost $40; that was more than twice the amount it cost to get us there which was what sparked the big argument. To make matters worse, Prissy fought for him. It was her convincing us to give him the money that stopped it (mind you we were sitting in the parking lot arguing for over a half-hour and we still had a half-hour trip ahead of us). After he got his money he had no problem admitting that the extra money was for his pocket. Upon hearing this, Prissy did nothing, said nothing. The guilt was etched all of her face. I asked her, "Are you really going to let him do this to us?" When she didn't respond all I could do is turn around and listen to the music blasting out of my ipod. At the airport I told her goodbye as did Chocolate, but Bonnie did not. Bonnie was really upset. The reality of the enormity of her betrayal had not hit me yet.

Once I was in the comfort of my home with my family, I got the chance to really think about the situation. I had to recount the story a number of times and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Prissy had betrayed me. Her family took advantage of my friends and I. She did nothing to protect us. Whether she knowingly participated in the scam or not remains unkown, what I do know was that when the realization of it hit her she did nothing to protect any of us. We had to fend for ourselves in a situation that she put us in and even after the fact, she was unapologetic. I'm not even angry though. I was disappointed. Another friend bites the dust in the chronicles of Ms. TooHollywood. It was hurtful. But I realized that I do not have a need for individuals like Prissy in my life. I can turn over a new leaf and be open to the possibility of new friends. I don't leave my friendship with Prissy without a lesson: trust your instincts and never compromise your values or standards. Though I loved Prissy dearly as a friend, it is time to leave her behind a long with the distant horrible, memory that was Jamaica and accept a new beginning. Besos.

vacay time!!!!

yesss....the time is finally here. Jamaica here I come! i'm going to be gone for a week. Do not miss me too much. lol. I'm so excited and i shall be leaving in ten minutes. smooches guys!!!!!!!!!!!

my drug of choice

when i was younger, i always wished i had magical powers. it just seemed to be the most logical solution to all my problems. so it was no wonder i took interest in everything with a magic-based story line such as sabrina the teenage witch or my fave Harry Potter. i love Harry Potter. i've been a loyal fan since age 11 and have yet to stop. if i havent bought each book as they were released, i've taken them out of the library religiously and read each one 3 to 4 times each. i'll never get tired of the story. i can get lost in those hundreds of pages for hours and not come up for air until i've finished it. that is what i've been doing the past 2 days. i decided to take a much needed early vacation from schoolwork and just read. read until my heart's content since its the one thing aside from music that never fails me. the 7th and last harry potter book was my choice and i'm so excited. i havent finished it yet but i decided i would take my time and savor every last word and detail because such is the joy of reading. what is your favorite book??

Gathering my thoughts...

i know i haven't been on in a while but i've had a hectic few days. i just haven't been feelin that well this week. my brain will be back to normal soon :)

Sucky days...

after having less than four hours of sleep and then having to wake up and go to class from 8 in the morning until 4, i'm what they call drained. it was just a sucky weather day where clearly the atmosphere was torn between torrential rain, light drizzle, or partly sunny skies. it seemed like everytime i left a class to go to my next which always happened to be all the way across campus i was stuck in another one of the weather's horrible mood swings. (i know i sound really miserable but so what. lol)

i can't wait to escape this madness and go to hot and sunny jamaica next week for spring break. :)

My brain is at its limit....

writing my paper....ughhhhh. this sucks. the end product is always great but the process is always grueling when it is about stuff you could care less about. lol

me and the other roomies have had a discussion and after six months we have finally made some headway with regards to the cleanliness of this apartment. now all that's left is to talk with ms. chocolate (the one i actually share the room with) about the apartment hunting for next year. she has it in her mind that me, her, and her best friend are going to live together and that is not going down. eh-eh. no siree....ohhh how i dread these types of conversations. wish me luck! besos!

You bumbling fools....

Sooooo...while I was supposed to be writing my paper on Mary Wollstonecraft and women and the enlightenment and getting absolutely nowhere, I happened to find myself on craigslist. How I managed to get there?? I have no idea. Call it extreme boredom. I took it upon myself to venture into the section called "rants and raves." What I stumbled upon floored me to say the least:

Black People
Reply to: pers-586610987@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-25, 5:31PM EST

First of all you cry about everything. At restaurants, you are a waitress's worst nightmare. You always complain your food is not done, not on time, or service was not good. Your 12% of the US population but 90% of the prison population. your criminals. You complain the cops are racist but other minorities aren't arrested nearly as much. You ruin the community. Neighborhoods that use to be mostly white and quiet with barely any crime are now black and crime-filled. Black athletes become millionaires and still are criminals. You are dirty. You smell like garbage. You think it is ok for you to hate white people, but yet cause riots when white people are racist. You are not qualified for jobs but get them anyway because the government says companies must hire a certain amount of blacks. Lastly and perhaps worst of all, barack o bama will get elected only because he is black and not because he is the best person for the job. You are pathetic, time to change your attitude on life and yourself. Go to school, stay in school, get a job, be productive stop counting on the government my taxes are sick of paying for your nonworking ass

Now not to say that I don't agree with the fact that black people can be some of the most difficult individuals to deal with in the service industries. I worked in retail and food service and I always rolled my eyes when I had to deal with black people. And not because I am racist against my own kind; simply because they always made my life extremely difficult. For example, when I worked at Subway, it always had to be the black person that asked me to go allllll the way to the back to get them "fresh tomatoes" or "brighter cheese" or any other nonsensical request they had. No I'm not even joking.

On the other hand, it is so unbelievable to me that this post was one of many ignorant ones degrading the black race. I just sat there completely confused that there actually are people out there that could so fiercely believe that blacks are incapable of doing anything aside from committing crimes and making babies. I can't understand that, when everyday, I'm surrounded by black people who are doing so much more with their lives. Intelligent, capable human beings not the "baboons" that they describe. But I can't argue with people like that because its pointless. Clearly they have already formed an opinion that was probably passed down to them from their parents, parents' parents, and so forth. It is a cyclical thing. But who cares? Not me. You won't see me out there picketing. Instead, my stance against this ignorance will be me graduating from college and becoming the successful individual that I was destined to be. Then raising my kids with the same values my mother instilled in me so they can grow up to be just like me...proud, black, blind to the ignorance of those who believe that they're only capable of becoming another statistic. Yayyyy!

Oh and btw...I seriously believe that BET is the root of all evil which gives these individuals some of their reasons for the way they think black people behave. Down with BET and its glorification of black ignorance!!!!! :) Fight the power! lol.

*sigh*

i've spent the last few hours laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and listening to any depressing song that comes up on shuffle on my itunes. the wonderful bitches that live upstairs have been draggin furniture and stomping across the floor all night. if its midnight and they're still doing that crap its gonna be a showdown in room 507.

anyway back to me being depressed. mr. flyy as always came to my rescue. tellin me nice things. despite the way things have turned out between us. on the other hand, my sadness completely went over mr. maxima's head. ughhh. sometimes i just want to kick him. no really. he calls me and here is how the conversation went...

ring ring
me: hello?
him: singing loudly
me: silence and eye rolling
him: (screaming) lightskinned!!!! wat u doin???
me: laying down and listening to music
him: whats wrong with u? why u sound like that?
me: im just not feeling well. im kinda sad.
him: oh. u ok?
me: umm...i guess
him: oh (returns to singing loudly for a total of 3 minutes)
me: i'll call u back lata

ughhhh. he gets on my nerves sometimes. anyhoo gotta go. the harlem kids are coming to chill and provide some laughter and entertainment. besos!

Call me weirdo

I have always been the outsider. I am not socially adept. Until I reached college, I never like friends. I have always quietly observed my spineless peers throughout my years in the public education system. Moving aroundmany times made me that way. My mother's choice of a nomadic life in my younger years resulted in me taking an outsiders role when all the other kiddies my age were enjoying their meaningless friendships. As a child, my sensitivity and my temper was my downfall, so friends (when they did come) didn't stay very long, because I was always betrayed those taking advantage of my naivete of the adolescent ways of the world. It was in those moments that I realized the contradictory establishment developed by the socially retarded called popularity but I didn't let it go just yet.

In this world, social standing was everything. In public shcools, how popular you were was determined by the number of jordans that you had. If u didn't have that, either you had to be funny, have a ridiculous body that made all the boys go nuts and wanna smack ya butt in booty tag, or you had to be a fighter. I fell in the funny category. Consistently making all the kiddos laugh and getting myself into trouble with shirt and ties up at administration. After a number of phone calls home, detentions, and ass-whoopings, I realized, that I would never be a part of this world. When I came into my own money in high school and started buying the clothes I wanted, was the time when I accidentally fell into the upper echelons of the social hierarchies. Its disgusting. The betrayal I saw. The fights I witnessed. The fakeness. The pettiness. Everything. It took one misstep to cast out of this social strata. It took one off day. It took being individual. In this world of social standing and popularity individuality is eeevvilll. Instead, conformity is everything. Smiling in the faces people I didn't like (which was everybody). Wearing the clothes that everybody else wore. Spending every last dollar trying to fit in. I got caught up I can't lie.

But I stopped. I made it a mission to get out of high school as quickly as I could and go on to the magical parallel universe called college. Where I so stupidly believed was devoid of social standings. Ha! Was I wrong! I came to a large public university in a well-known city. My school, ranked one of the most culturally diverse of the nation is almost as segregated as they come. Everybody sticks to their own kind since there are enough of each race to go around. I got stuck with the black people, knee deep in a world where drama is always at a constant high. Even here social standing is everything. The worst part was, we were supposed to be the smart ones. Yet ignorance is still alive and well. It was as if I never left that high school world with the clearly defined class lines. Here, how you dress is everything, how many people u know is everything, and how immersed you become in their world is everything. Its disgusting. They are like wolves. They have no idea that this world that they've create doesn't matter. They've gotten so caught up socially that they forgot they actually are paying for an education here. I watch them. I am a quiet observer of their ways. I wanna scream from the rafters of the student center that they're all losers. When I see them sitting eating their food I want to throw water balloons at them to mess up their well thought out outfits that they used to maintain their position in the social order.

I am an outsider. I am not them. I will never be. And I'm still happily sticking up my middle fingers to all the morons basking in the artificial glow of their popularity. Boo-yah-ka-sha! Besos!

A Dream Come True....

BREAKING NEWS

Ms. Alicia Keys is coming to my oh-so-wonderful university for a performance. OMG. OMG. I'm hype as shit. I've wanted to go to a concert of hers ever since she came out 7 years ago. I own every single one of her albums and I'm just in love. I can listen to her for hours and get lost between the notes and the verses and never want to come up for air. AHHH...she's my hero. lol. if anyone knows her, just tell her I wanna be her friend cuz she's hot shit. thanks. lol. now that I've gotten that out my system. I can't wait. No really. Now I just need a sponsor. I am jobless and have an upcoming trip to Jamaica for spring break that is definitely going to deplete whatever little bit is left of my funds. so if anyone would like to give me some money for a ticket i'll be more than happy to take donations. lol. im kidding (unless you really want to. lol) besos.

poppin the cherry

so my bloggin cherry has been popped which of course is an exciting moment in my life. i've spoken about creating a blog for so long now but i've finally have gotten around to to doin it. im just too hype that finally there is an outlet for my demented mind. lol.

i haven't done anything this morning. its snowing outside and it looks like too much work to actually bundle up and brave the cold weather. instead, i sit inside and roast because my wonderful roomates don't have the sense enough to put the heat below 80 degrees. if i have to wake up with one more nosebleed i swear im gonna litter all my bloody tissues all over their floor and see how they like that. anyhoo, back to my morning, i missed the democratic debate last night but i'm watching it now. but i've found myself tuning both Obama and Clinton out (because once you've seen one you've seen 'em all), and just focusing on their body language. if you've ever watched when Obama is speaking and the camera zooms in on Hillary, she has this sarcastic smirk on her face. its kinda disgusting and realy irritating. i don't like her. she's just angry. an angry, miserable woman. she needs therapy. or a kick down the stairs. that might be a humbling experience :)